Day 2.....my entries are short, but already I've written more this week that I've written all semester. The commitment to write this blog is going to help me notice what I am thankful for, but I can also see that it is going to be a challenge. I mean what to say next? Today I am exceptionally thankful for Gluten Free Waffles by Van's, but a whole blog about that? Or my love affair with Diet Dr. Pepper? It is fabulous, but worthy of 1000 words? No matter, have to keep going. I fear failure more than anything in the world. So, I've said I will do it, now I have to follow through.
Fearing failure. There's a place to start. I was always a good student, always well-behaved. If I got into trouble it wasn't the bad kind. My Dad used to say to me, "There are degrees of trouble. Trouble I can help you out of, and trouble I can't--don't get in the latter kind." I pretty much followed that as I was making choices--still do. Even as a child, the thought of disappointing my parents was upsetting. Later, I held myself to an even higher standard than they did. Good grades, success in a career, in friendships, and love, success in motherhood, success in life. Failure wasn't an option for me.
In many ways my obsession with success has been a great thing-but in others I wonder if it's made me afraid to take risks. My husband and parents have been saying, "write a book! start a business!", but I am paralyzed by fear of failure. It seems too scary to put yourself out there--no matter how educated. The truth is the more I've learned the more I realize I will never understand about the world or the human race. So what would I have to say in a book? Funny, considering I had to write a dissertation and defend it.
The hardest part of that process wasn't the data collection, or the writing, it was the fear that what I was writing about didn't matter. Even though the committee thought it did, I was riddled with what we call an impostor syndrome--thinking it didn't matter, it wasn't good enough, I wasn't smart enough, I didn't belong in the higher education arena. See, I had always excelled in school, but the Ph.D was a whole new level and I was afraid every day that I didn't have what it takes. Now I've got the degree, and I'm still not sure. It was the scariest and hardest thing I've ever done--and I was successful, but the fear and anxiety, the fatigue and the self-doubt were so hard on me that I found myself unable to tackle a new challenge.
But, I also learned that no one else has it all figured it out either. Even the Ph.Ds who were on my committee--sure they're smart. Sure they're famous scholars. But they are also just people. Maybe what I need to do is stop trying to be perfect all the time. I can't know everything, I can't win at everything, I can't be a perfect mom, wife, sister, daughter, and I certainly can't be a perfect teacher! But who can? And what is the matter with me--and plenty of my female friends, that we think we have to be amazing at everything? So today is about going easy on myself. I need to allow myself to fail, to go out on a limb, and to remind myself and my sisters, and my girlfriends that we shouldn't expect perfection all the time. All we can do is our best--and if we fail, we fail. It's not the end of the world.
So, Blessing #2, April 29, 2010
This blog is a risk for me. I don't really expect that folks will be reading it, but just knowing that I have agreed to post everyday, makes it so that I'm risking failure if I can't meet that expectation of myself. There is evidence in this risk, that I am coming around to the notion of just being me and NOT being perfect. My mom, a talented physician with her own host of perfection issues, has battled this too--and she says, "The "S" on your chest will get awful heavy if you let it." So today I'm going to let up-I'm going to stop being afraid of failure, and I'm going to be thankful for my absolute inability to be perfect. After all this is pretty much a license to mess up. I'm throwing off the "S".....So here's to messing up and letting the world follow it if they want to!
4 comments:
Hi Anna,
I loved reading this. I had an epiphany earlier this year that has been so liberating that I couldn't help but want to share it with you upon reading this. I, too, had always been the one who was deathly afraid of failure...one night in yoga class the instructor complimented me after class and said my practice was always so strong. I felt a distinct pang of "ugh" when she said that. I didn't like the comment. And then I began wondering why. I realized that she could never know whether or not my yoga practice was really strong for me or how I had experienced it. And I realized at that moment that I had always sought external validation in order to know whether or not I had been successful...as a result, I had stopped paying as careful of attention to my intuition. So, since then, I have started taking all sorts of risks because it feels SO invigorating, liberating, and authentic to be living up to my highest sense of integrity (even if no one else can see the value in it). I've actually come to expect that many of my colleagues may never really respect what I do or see me as competent but that this is ok...because I know that I'm moving and that the progress I'm making is aligned with my highest sense of what the world needs even if it's not where we are - which makes it hard for others to see it as valuable. So, I guess my take away, which I've been really trying to remember and live is to listen to my intuition and know that I cannot be determined a failure by anyone else....only me - and that won't even get me very far. I see you as brilliant and amazing, but that, of course, is not something you don't know...and I doubt it will ever matter that I tell you that in terms of your real sense of efficacy and willingness to take risks. Lots of love to you!!! :), Molly
I like this! I will really enjoy reading it!
I love this D.SCOTT! Your blessings are definitely shared everyday with all your students, advisees, and coworkers. I especially love this entry. I too need to drop the S from my chest!
LOVE YOU! :)
Ah, Impostor Syndrome, I know thee well. I just didn't know that was the name of what I feel almost every day in graduate school.
Thanks for writing, Anna.
I love it!
Post a Comment