Growing up I wrote in my journal nearly every day. Pages and pages of me trying to make sense of my feelings and of my experiences. Why did I stop? I suppose it just became one of those things I felt I could push aside to focus on graduate school, family, sleep, and if I was lucky exercise. Lord knows I did enough writing to kill a small horse in graduate school, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss it.
But who am I kidding? Do I really have time for this now? I've sat down several times and tried to rekindle the journaling flame. Nothing comes, or I get so lost in reporting the minutia of the day that nothing real manifests. I went here, then here, bought this, bought that, had a flat tire etc, nothing that really means anything. What is the matter that I have so much going on that I don't feel I can focus even for a second on making sense of it all? I am so covered up with anxiety about work, finances, family, and health that I need more than ever to be looking at the big picture, at what really matters. The best way to do that for me has always been writing.
I need to write, but I don't have time or I feel guilty taking the time--so what's the solution? Maybe it is to sit down each day and just do it. Maybe it is to put in on the computer so that I can't brush it off--this machine or cyber-space will hold me accountable in some way. Maybe it's to stop trying to make it perfect and just write what I feel and what I need to say.
But what prompt? I have struggled with anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. Few people know this about me. Most of the time I am happy and engaged, friendly and funny. But my anxiety is a real demon. And in the past, the best way for me to battle it has been to focus on what is good in my home, my world, and my life. So, here it is. I am committed to writing every day for 1 year, on good days and bad days, finding the blessings. A sort of meditation and self-help exercise all in one. I'm already nervous. I hate to commit to anything and then fall short-but this is good for me. I need it. 365 days of finding blessings. How hard can it be?
So blessing #1--April 28, 2010
I am tired at this point in the school year. It is hard to get up and get myself dressed, my children dressed and fed, and get out the door to the school. When I get to school I catch myself distracted by the beautiful day, blue skies, the green trees, and warm breeze--and I just want to get outside. Plus, I teach science to high school students. They feel the pull of the nice weather too, and several of them have already sent 1/2 their mind on to summer break.
But then, I am teaching science. I get to sit with my students and discuss topics like evolution, global warming, sustainable living practices, photosynthesis, and stem cell research. How silly that I would feel anything but fortunate. On my first trip to teach in Haiti, I felt like such a snob--here I was worried about covering the curriculum and these wonderful, resilient people have to worry about feeding their family. There was a smell of smoke from clear cutting to make charcoal-the main source of energy sold by and used by Haitians. In the States, we have rules about burning to regulate air quality--inspired by our knowledge about health of our bodies and of the ecosystem.
Not that we have to go to Haiti to find students too hungry or too poor to focus on learning. I've had students right here in the States who were afraid of their parents or siblings or gang members, too hungry to concentrate, or unable for some other reason to engage in school.
What a luxury that I even know about current research on the above topics. What a luxury that my students, as teens are learning about them. What a luxury that my own children are well fed and able to attend to school, learning to read and write and study. It implies that we are living a life of safety and that our critical needs are met. I may feel tired, but look what I've had access too. Food, water, safety, health care, education galore--What a privileged life I am leading. In the words of my Mom, "I am most blessed among women."
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