Facing Debts is Facing Demons

This was a hard, but important day. Trey and I went out to my parents' farm to discuss with my Dad, a chartered financial consultant, how to completely eradicate our consumer debt, build a sizeable next egg, and make more money. We revisited our wills and life insurance policies--and no parent enjoys confronting their mortality.

It was also hard because neither of us can stand to admit we need advice. I'm afraid my husband and I are too proud and too independent. In some ways those are virtues, but taken to an extreme they can be crippling. I've shared before in this space that I have an insatiable need to excel at pretty much everthing. While that drive has helped me pursue education and new opportunities, it has handicapped me in some ways. For a long time I stopped writing, because I couldn't make it perfect. I, and Trey, couldn't stand to ask for help or advice-to show weakness in any way. I have hated to admit to my parents, who are always so glowing with their praise of me, that I've messed up. A lot has happened to lead me to face the music, develop our new plan of action, and get over ourselves once and for all.

First, I went to Haiti, and learned really quickly that all the goods I have felt I "must have" are superfluous. I went from hating my bathroom wallpaper to feeling that I live in a palace. Second, I read Suze Orman's Women and Money, and realized that for Trey and I to make headway we had to face our debts-and that behind those debts we would find demons. Demons may seem harsh to describe debt we largely accumulated while I was in school, but I believe that behind some of that spending is evil. I think if we could lift the curtain on the motivation behind some of that spending we would find pride, greed, entitlement, and a focus on a consumer's view of status and happiness. Third, I read Radical Homemakers, and realized that I am not the only person to grow into disillusionment with our society driven by excess.

So, how did we get here? Well, we spent more than we made. It's pretty wild how simple the explanation is. I think we just figured that when I graduated with a PhD and started working full time, all of our problems would go away. I did start making pretty good money, especially compared to a graduate student stipend. But, as we have learned it costs a lot to work. We have been paying a part time nanny, spending on convenience foods, paying school loans, and maintaining our home and cars. It goes out as fast at it comes in. We're not late on payments, we always pay more than the required, and we have excellent credit. At least, we aren't accumulating more debt, but we are sort of treading water. And treading water makes you tired and you don't get anywhere.

Anyway, today we swallowed our pride, asked a professional financial consultant for advice, and feel that at last we are making progress. I think the best part of all of this is that we have stopped feeling the need to be perfect because of course no human is. We have learned to acknowledge our mistakes, and we have learned that our parents are just as proud of us as before. I offered to pay Daddy for his time and counsel, but he said, "Oh, honey, you are letting me help you. That's enough for me." I think he knew what a big step it was for us to reach out and admit that we needed his perspective.

Blessing #39, June 5, 2010

I am thankful that I don't need to be perfect at anything, much less everything, and I am determined to keep reminding myself of that. I am thankful that my Dad was able to look at our financial picture, and say, "Oh guys, I've seen so much worse. We'll have this straightened out in a few years." I am thankful that my Dad and Mom are still proud of all we have accomplished, and will cheer us on as we work to meet our new goals. I am thankful that today we stopped treading and started swimming.

Paycheck to Paycheck

It is hard for me to believe I can have a wonderful job, a Ph.D., a successful husband, and still feel stuck in a paycheck to paycheck grind. While it may be hard for to me believe, it is not hard for me to understand.

Shortly after we married, 9 years ago, I enrolled in a Masters Program at UGA. I had Chip a semester before graduating, almost 2 years later. 3 days after graduation I began work on a Ph.D. and had Katie 3 months before I began collecting data for my dissertation. My mom had to walk the halls with Katie in a stroller while I defended my prospectus. I had to pay for child care so I could attend class, analyze data, and write chapter after chapter. After my dissertation defense, my committee congratulated me and asked if they could take me to lunch. I could only offer my regrets, as it happened to be Chip's 4th birthday, and I had promised we would go shopping for his first real bike. Something about that interchange speaks volumes about the whole of my time in the doctoral program. Looking back, the entire experience seems surreal. I think I must have been more than a little crazy to take on all that I did. A new marriage, a new mortgage, 2 new degrees, and 2 children....maybe my WonderWoman complex got a bit ahead of me.

I had a wonderful major professor, committee, department, and a supportive husband. But the truth remained that graduate school was not designed with a family in mind. Even though I was funded with assistantships throughout, it wasn't enough money to cover babysitters and convenience foods that I required to get my family through that insane time.

So, I left graduate school with a terminal degree, a hefty student loan, an unfortunate amount of consumer debt, and a serious case of writer fatigue. I wouldn't change a thing though. My graduate experience transformed my thinking in ways I couldn't have fathomed beforehand, and launched me into a lifetime of learning. And, as the saying goes, no one can take it away from me.

Blessing #27, May 24, 2010

I am blessed to have finished my Ph.D. It was a family accomplishment, and I know that I couldn't have made it without a husband who supported me. Even though I will be paying for it for a while, I know that I am fortunate to be employed at all, much less at a job I love. Come to think of it "paycheck to paycheck" isn't so bad--I know there are folks with no paycheck at all. I am thrilled that we are now headed back to the black as opposed to farther into the red. It was a full 5 years of craziness, and I'll be paying for it well into the future. But the transformation in my thinking will be paying me, my children, and their children long after the student loan is paid off.