This was a hard, but important day. Trey and I went out to my parents' farm to discuss with my Dad, a chartered financial consultant, how to completely eradicate our consumer debt, build a sizeable next egg, and make more money. We revisited our wills and life insurance policies--and no parent enjoys confronting their mortality.
It was also hard because neither of us can stand to admit we need advice. I'm afraid my husband and I are too proud and too independent. In some ways those are virtues, but taken to an extreme they can be crippling. I've shared before in this space that I have an insatiable need to excel at pretty much everthing. While that drive has helped me pursue education and new opportunities, it has handicapped me in some ways. For a long time I stopped writing, because I couldn't make it perfect. I, and Trey, couldn't stand to ask for help or advice-to show weakness in any way. I have hated to admit to my parents, who are always so glowing with their praise of me, that I've messed up. A lot has happened to lead me to face the music, develop our new plan of action, and get over ourselves once and for all.
First, I went to Haiti, and learned really quickly that all the goods I have felt I "must have" are superfluous. I went from hating my bathroom wallpaper to feeling that I live in a palace. Second, I read Suze Orman's Women and Money, and realized that for Trey and I to make headway we had to face our debts-and that behind those debts we would find demons. Demons may seem harsh to describe debt we largely accumulated while I was in school, but I believe that behind some of that spending is evil. I think if we could lift the curtain on the motivation behind some of that spending we would find pride, greed, entitlement, and a focus on a consumer's view of status and happiness. Third, I read Radical Homemakers, and realized that I am not the only person to grow into disillusionment with our society driven by excess.
So, how did we get here? Well, we spent more than we made. It's pretty wild how simple the explanation is. I think we just figured that when I graduated with a PhD and started working full time, all of our problems would go away. I did start making pretty good money, especially compared to a graduate student stipend. But, as we have learned it costs a lot to work. We have been paying a part time nanny, spending on convenience foods, paying school loans, and maintaining our home and cars. It goes out as fast at it comes in. We're not late on payments, we always pay more than the required, and we have excellent credit. At least, we aren't accumulating more debt, but we are sort of treading water. And treading water makes you tired and you don't get anywhere.
Anyway, today we swallowed our pride, asked a professional financial consultant for advice, and feel that at last we are making progress. I think the best part of all of this is that we have stopped feeling the need to be perfect because of course no human is. We have learned to acknowledge our mistakes, and we have learned that our parents are just as proud of us as before. I offered to pay Daddy for his time and counsel, but he said, "Oh, honey, you are letting me help you. That's enough for me." I think he knew what a big step it was for us to reach out and admit that we needed his perspective.
Blessing #39, June 5, 2010
I am thankful that I don't need to be perfect at anything, much less everything, and I am determined to keep reminding myself of that. I am thankful that my Dad was able to look at our financial picture, and say, "Oh guys, I've seen so much worse. We'll have this straightened out in a few years." I am thankful that my Dad and Mom are still proud of all we have accomplished, and will cheer us on as we work to meet our new goals. I am thankful that today we stopped treading and started swimming.
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