Tonight I went for a walk around the neighborhood. I really didn't want to go, especially by myself, so I tried to get Trey and the kids to go with me. I texted my sister and asked her to go, and then asked a few neighbors. There were no takers, but I knew I had to get moving.
Usually I love to walk solo, but this evening I had a lot on my mind and I just didn't want to deal with any of it. The worries ranged from soccer and ballet registration for my children to hungry children in Haiti and my ugly kitchen. You know I am out of balance when all of those seem of equal severity.
Anyway, I was looking for a distraction to keep from turning inward and grappling with anxieties, doubts, and fears. I did talk via phone to another sister during the first part of my walk, but there was no escaping some time for introspection.
My mind was whirling-I felt like ideas, worries, and to do list items were being tossed around like my children's socks in the spin cycle. They were whizzing by so fast that it became impossible to see where one sock stopped and the next began. In my washer, the tiniest socks are the biggest problems-sometimes they find their way out of the tub and into a pipe and then a perfectly good sock-and maybe a perfectly good washer are lost forever. (I realize this is a weird image, but I did have a long conversation this evening with a washer repairman, so I've just got laundry on the brain--work with me....) My thoughts are like that too--they whirl by so fast and if I can't clear my head to focus on them they disappear or morph into something unrecognizeable.
When my mind whirls, when I'm not sure which thought or worry to tackle, I pray. When I am anxious like this, I'm usually not sure what to pray, but I find that if I focus on a recitation-like the Lord's Prayer or the 23rd Psalm, everything in me resets. The frenzied activity stops, my breathing slows, and my anxiety lessens. It's like I go from being in the passenger seat of my mind to the driver's seat. It was like magic tonight. I left anxious and by the end of my walk and several Lord's Prayers, I was able to quiet my mind and listen to the crickets, watch the lightening bugs emerge and come to terms with the fact that though I may be in the driver's seat of my mind, I will never be in charge of everything else. Thank God for that.
Blessing #72, July 8, 2010
Tonight I remembered that even though I an over the top type A, OCD person I am just a person. I am thankful for my faith and I am blessed that it can quiet my mind and awaken me to the presence of the Divine. Then I can focus on Love-which I believe is the only thing that matters. I have so much Love in my life and everything else is just stuff.
Showing posts with label mindfulness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mindfulness. Show all posts
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Getting Thankful and Staying that Way
I can't tell a lie! I'm worried I've bitten off more than I can chew here. 365 days in a row of counting blessings? On great days, I can see it, but today I am feeling behind on my grading, planning, and exam writing. I have students who are refusing to turn in assignments, and it is pouring down rain, which means I will not be getting a walk in today. That little bit of exercise really is a mood booster for me. As if that wasn't enough to stress me out, we are trying to figure out how to pay the bills, keep gas in the tank of our ridiculous SUV (which is paid for, other wise I'd be all about something more economical), and afford gluten free groceries.
Yep, this is one of those days I feel like selling out and deciding to stay grumpy. But, I promised myself, so I have worked to find the blessing. The odd thing is it wasn't the finding it that was hard. It was the clinging to it. It's one thing to have an aha moment about a happy circumstance, but it is another thing entirely to keep that positive energy at the forefront of my thoughts and actions. Let me see if I can explain.
I picked the kids up at school, and hurried out to dinner so I could get my oldest, Chip, (who was in Haiti with me over spring break--see my earlier post) to his piano lesson. He loves piano, and his excitement before his lesson is almost tangible. We don't eat out often, so both the kids get pumped about dinner out on Mondays. Today, we went to my favorite burrito place, and the positive energy was fabulous. The kids weren't fighting; they were playing, singing, and dancing. In fact, they went to "pick out the table" while I was paying the bill, and they were singing B-I-N-G-O at the top of their lungs. It was early, so the place wasn't crowded, but the folks who were in there were thoroughly enjoying the performance. It was one of those fabulous mommy moments, when I was thrilled that my children were happy and healthy enough to sing regardless of their ability to stay in tune. It was an obvious blessing.
So what happened? I stopped by the house to grab the check book to pay for piano. Doing this required walking through my dirty kitchen which is chronically infested with ants (help, please!), passing the "bill basket" which is overflowing, nearly slipping on a melted icecube that got left on the floor, and just like that, my positive outlook evaporated. But, in keeping with my assignment I have turned even that downer into a blessing...so here we go!
Blessing #6, May 3, 2010
Because I am human I have the phenomenal ability to be aware of my own thoughts, and to direct them. Sure the blessing of happy, healthy children is priceless. The reality of life, though, is that it doesn't always feel like a series of precious moments like the one I had in the Burrito place. I do believe there are more of those moments than most folks realize, but even so, the minutia and drudgery of life can get in the way. Enter our power of metacognition. I can think about my own thinking, and when I see that I am having difficulty focusing on the gifts in my life, I can stop, about face, and redirect my attention in a more productive direction. And so, today, I am especially grateful that even when I feel like being grumpy and miserable, I have the capacity to convince myself to notice and count the blessings.
Yep, this is one of those days I feel like selling out and deciding to stay grumpy. But, I promised myself, so I have worked to find the blessing. The odd thing is it wasn't the finding it that was hard. It was the clinging to it. It's one thing to have an aha moment about a happy circumstance, but it is another thing entirely to keep that positive energy at the forefront of my thoughts and actions. Let me see if I can explain.
I picked the kids up at school, and hurried out to dinner so I could get my oldest, Chip, (who was in Haiti with me over spring break--see my earlier post) to his piano lesson. He loves piano, and his excitement before his lesson is almost tangible. We don't eat out often, so both the kids get pumped about dinner out on Mondays. Today, we went to my favorite burrito place, and the positive energy was fabulous. The kids weren't fighting; they were playing, singing, and dancing. In fact, they went to "pick out the table" while I was paying the bill, and they were singing B-I-N-G-O at the top of their lungs. It was early, so the place wasn't crowded, but the folks who were in there were thoroughly enjoying the performance. It was one of those fabulous mommy moments, when I was thrilled that my children were happy and healthy enough to sing regardless of their ability to stay in tune. It was an obvious blessing.
So what happened? I stopped by the house to grab the check book to pay for piano. Doing this required walking through my dirty kitchen which is chronically infested with ants (help, please!), passing the "bill basket" which is overflowing, nearly slipping on a melted icecube that got left on the floor, and just like that, my positive outlook evaporated. But, in keeping with my assignment I have turned even that downer into a blessing...so here we go!
Blessing #6, May 3, 2010
Because I am human I have the phenomenal ability to be aware of my own thoughts, and to direct them. Sure the blessing of happy, healthy children is priceless. The reality of life, though, is that it doesn't always feel like a series of precious moments like the one I had in the Burrito place. I do believe there are more of those moments than most folks realize, but even so, the minutia and drudgery of life can get in the way. Enter our power of metacognition. I can think about my own thinking, and when I see that I am having difficulty focusing on the gifts in my life, I can stop, about face, and redirect my attention in a more productive direction. And so, today, I am especially grateful that even when I feel like being grumpy and miserable, I have the capacity to convince myself to notice and count the blessings.
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