Step Into the Light

Friday, January 14, 2011  Blessing #252

It is hard for me to believe that I have counted more than 250 blessings.  How many people can say that?  I am amazed at my own perserverance, but also at how this exercise has changed my daily outlook.  Oh, I still have hard days and dark times--and you don't have to go too far back in the archives to find them--but I have steadily been able to muddle through and stumble into the Light.  Cognitively, I knew--and have said to my students and their parents on occasion--that our state of mind is mostly up to us.  You know the quotes, "Your focus determines your reality" (Star Wars!) or "Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy" (Hanh).  Even so, I'm amazed at the power of this discipline--even on days it has seemed impossible, engaging in this practice has let my happiness out-and even allowed it to grow.

A lot happened to me last year, and not all of it was pretty.  Some was so ugly that I haven't revealed it here. I was devasted by the earthquake in Haiti-my younger sister was there working with Bethlehem Ministry during it, and I was extremely scared for her.  She was fine-but Haitian families were torn apart, and years of progress and stability, which have never been easy to come by, were undone in an instant. 

Then, even as these malnourished people who lost their families fought to survive, my brother killed himself.  We weren't terribly close--he was much older, and turns out had been living a great deal of his life in secret.  Nonetheless, I was shocked and saddened to think that we would never be close again, I was furious with him for what he caused my parents and siblings to endure, and I was afraid of what his death meant for me and for my family.  Was that darkness lurking in me?  In my family?

In March I was in Haiti--and that was when my mental compass finally pointed to the True North.  I am living a life of abundance. Not material abundance, but I am surrounded in Haiti and at home by Hope, Faith, and Love.  There is always something profound that happens to me after a trip there-and this time it was the development of an awareness of the goodness in the world and in my life.  Shortly after I got home, that awareness transformed into this exercise.  I have 113 more blessings to type--but I'm not sure I will be able to stop. This simple practice has showed me that while darkness lurks in everyone, we can decide to step into the Light.  Tonight I'm thankful for the transformation that has taken place in me.